do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
