just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
