How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
