he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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