I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
