we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
