Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
