she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
