My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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