why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
