I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
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I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
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and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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