the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
