so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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