I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
