just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
