i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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