Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
