my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
