I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
