gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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