It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
