Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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