Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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