he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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