what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I need water and some morals
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
