The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
