Will you blow on my dice?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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