i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
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Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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