There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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