Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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