I just made out with a guy for $7.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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