I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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