i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
