well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
