I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
