i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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