she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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