Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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