I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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