Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
