that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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