the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
