if i can run in heels then i can drive
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
