I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
