i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
