i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
