So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
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If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law