No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up