my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
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Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.