We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
