Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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