I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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