im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
