I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
