The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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