and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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