Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
