So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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